Lord move this fog from my sight

Lord, it’s me again, I’m confused and scared and maybe a little (a lot) fearful of the plans that you have for me. Father I know this is stupid and I know you say in your Word not worry about the things of tomorrow because today has enough worries of its own, but I am for real freaking out.  I am fearful because of my family situation, my mom has really done it this time this whole moving back to PA thing is pretty much the most selfish thing she could do. Not just because she is going to miss an important day for me, college graduation is a BIG deal, but for the last 5 year she has done nothing to help Kim out rather let her do whatever she wanted to do and now because she feels like it’s her chance to move on she is just going to dump her on the street without a car, a job or a way to take care of herself.  Lord I don’t blame all of these things on her, but for real what the crap. Father I know you gave me this life for a reason and I’m thankful for it most days. Lord you have blessed me with some much, a place to live even if it isn’t always awesome, clean, the right temperature, smelling great or other small problems. It is a place to lay my head at night; most of the time I have something to eat there and other luxuries that I do not need nor deserve to have but you have given them to me. You gave friends that have my back even though most days I am afraid to tell them the truth. I wait for them to fail me because I am afraid for them to get to close, to see the hurt that I feel and the abandonment issues. I don’t understand love and I am hurting and tough I am working on it some days I throw the towel in and don’t battle at all. You gave me 2 families apart from my crap of a family to love and care about me. They open their houses to me, pray for me, and treat me as their own blood. At times I abuse them and deny them because I afraid to get comfortable with them because I may wake up one day and things not be the same as the day before. I have been blessed with an education that is far more money than I ever had and finally I get to walk across that stage and smile knowing by the grace of you Lord I have overcome failure in the educational realm and may just make it through to get a masters or even a Doctorate. But right now currently Lord I am struggling and I am scared that everything will change and I will be in the wilderness all alone. What if people forget who I am, what if I don’t get into seminary, what if I hate it in GA, what if a day after I get to GA my sister is out on the street, I know you have a plan for me but today my mind is all over the plan and I am at a place I feel sick. I have had headache after headache and a few panic attacks here and there and at this point all I can do is scream HELP ME LORD! Help my family, revel to me a plan or a lease the next step I am searching for you hand O’ God, but I cannot find it in the fog. Have mercy on a child that does not know how to let go and let God, who’s stress level is at the top and is a wicks end. Mold my heart, clean my mind and let me walk in your footsteps so I will not but will stand straight. I do not fear that you are not there, I just feel like today, right now I cannot hear your voice and feel your love like I want to. Give me a passion to seek you with all of my heart and blow this fog away. Father I thank you for the many blessing and just cry out for your favor and direction!

It’s in your Holy and Righteous Name

AMEN!

I hope this prayer help someone and may give insight to my struggle.

Jeremiah 29:11

The Beating:

The beating in my chest and the mess that I am, I try to make it sound better than I really am. I really confused and I am not sure where I am going or what the Lord wants but faithful I trust Him and walk in the foot steps hoping the lead to the path that is everlasting. Faithfully I breathe each breath knowing there is a purpose behind it knowing not what it is and may very well never know.

Its almost as though my heart and mind are in two different places. My heart being with Christ, but my mind off in the world wanting life to be easy and planned so I could be sure that I do nothing wrong or in my own timing. Faithful He is to bring me to a new place each day, not sure about the next minute, but confident that His direction will be clear.

I am a mess. I am a mess that is stress, but honestly I am truly blessed to have a God that care about me so much that He knitted me in my mothers womb. He knew my trails I would go thought and the troubles I would bring on myself because of disbelief and sinfulness. Never to question is there a God, but to question myself to why I am not following Him and running as fast I can to Communion with Him.

Its scary to be in the world alone and its a good thing that we were not molded and left. but the sweet savior Jesus came and was an example of life. Have you ever really thought about how Jesus while on the cross was totally without God and called out Fatherrrrrr and there was no answer. If there was an answer Jesus would not of stuffed what we will go through if not a follower. With our name written on His chest and on His hands He was layed to rest. Jesus was dead crush for each and everyone of our sins. Jesus paid the ransom in full and said it is finished.

The 3rd day he rose. He got up and walked, and showed Him self to a women to first spread the good news. Rejoice oh fools the Lord has raise and will live again. Beating hearts can here this plea and do nothing.

It's a New Season.... I call it Empty Bag

I don't know if everyone can feel when a new season is starting or it's just me, but the Lord is so good. Crazy events, tears and the Lord's mercy pulled my full bag right off my back and emptied it in order for me to continue to go on. I tried to peel my mask off on my own and well it was just a different form of the same girl hiding behind new friends, crazy ideas and pain. The burden was heavy and even the though Lord said his yoke was easy I choose to carry all this stuff around because "I could do it on my own, NOT."

As I talked to many wise people I look up to I shared something that was in the bag and slowly people saw that I was carrying a bunch of things that I needed to lay down at the cross. For the longest time I refused to lay it at the cross mostly because I am screwed up. I don't function on even paths, I'm am not use to having a God I can count on and people that love me no matter what I do. I am not use to mercy and grace. Understanding hearts were a rare thing to come across and people who lived their lives according to what the Gospel teaches. I would have to ask the Lord for boldness, for His love to reign down on me that I may be able to come clean and drop my bag at the foot of the cross. Because He already knew every issue I was hold on to no matter how embarrassed and ashamed I was of everything. Perfect is not obtainable and it leads to let down and unrealistic thoughts.

I am in no way saying that I dropped that bag off to never return to it. Of course being the person I am I ran back to it an hour later and asked for a few things back because I don't know how to walk with an empty bag and a spirit filled heart. Shot the day I walk with no bag at all is the day I show up at the gates.

If you are struggling with these types of things all I can say is find someone that is a great encourager that lays things at the cross each day and will refuse to talk to you about them until you bring them to God. I am famous for asking people for advice before I  ask the Lord to give me direction and ask Him for an answer before seeking the world. Without someone to hold you accountable you will not be able to do it on your own. At least I know I can not do it. Be first accountable to the Lord and then to a person that will tell you the truth and you can trust them with anything.

What a great view of God to have an empty bag because the Lord is faithful and will remove all of that so you can run after Him with full force once again. I knew this was starting and the other day when I woke up at 6am to pray and to seek His face I sent my last part of my application for school next year and my heart rejoiced in the fact that the Lord was driving me through it all. I was so afraid and as I prayed over the envelope and asked the Lord to take me where I needed to go I was no longer scared I had a peace that I was in His will. Even if I don't get into school I know that I took a step lead by Him.

My heart has been at rest because for once I was able to be honest with the one person that I looked to for approval and I knew I no longer needed it and I could do anything with the Lord on my side. Anything can happen, but there is no reason to fear the unknown because all I need to do is trust that the Lord is with me all the way in every way. I will walk in His foot steps and I will not be alone.

I will fail at this and there will be days when I want to quit everything and the Lord already knows when those days will come and understands. Praise God He did not say this life was easy, but this world is not our home and I have heaven at the end of this long hard path. He is my anchor of truth and He loves me even when I refuse to tell him whats on my heart.

Of course I sit some night and cry my eyes out because I want things to be easy. We were told to pick up our cross and follow Him and that is all we can do. I rather be jacked up and bruised and beaten at the end and appear at the gate hardly stand and to be fully restore than to run in a prefect body and know I did not for the kingdom. There will be disappointment in this new season and all I know is that if everything I have in this life is taken away the Lord will still be there to be my rock.

Fall on your knees and fall in love with the savior. You are worth it because Christ says you are.

This is my heart and the truth about what I struggle with if you want to ever talk or want more details please contact me. Thanks :)

Life Verses

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

The deliverance by the Lord is never to be question because it is the Lord's plan. Everything in the future can be seen as a promise. The Lord mercy will be shown in every future move.

The true meaning of Words

Don't use words too big for the subject. Don't say "infinitely" when you mean "very"; otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.
C. S. Lewis

Have you ever really thought about the words we use to describe how we feel about different topics or things. I've been working on getting some home sick letter done for a friend that will be leaving for the next two years and I was writing so quote stuff for her and I came upon this ^ C. S. Lewis quote. I sat a minute and thought I  use words all the time that aren't very just for the topic. Taking in some deep breaths and think about what you say when your shopping a Publix or where ever you go. Today alone I probably missed used the words : love, hate, awesome, epic, the best, straving and many more that I can't think of.

I love cheese and bagels, hate long lines and money. I'm awesome and you just spent an epic amount of money. Your the best and lets go im straving.

Love-
The true meaning of love, as defined in the Bible, has been corrupted in the common usage of our English language and society. Most often, love is confused with infatuation - that elated, "high" feeling we get when we "fall in love." This kind of "love" is something that lasts typically less than a year, and unless replaced by true love, results in broken relationships.
The Bible indicates that love is from God. In fact, the Bible says "God is love." Love is one of the primary characteristics of God. Likewise, God has endowed us with the capacity for love. This capacity for love is one of the ways in which we are "created in the image of God."If you are not a Christian, I hope you desire to express love as defined in the Bible. However, wanting to do so and attempting to do so in the power of your own will is guaranteed to fail. This kind of love is only possible through relying on the power of God, through faith in Jesus Christ. Even if you are a Christian, you will not succeed if you do not abide in Christ. May the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the steadfastness of Christ.

Hate-
Hate derives from a strong dislike or ill will toward persons or things. As an emotional attitude, a person may oppose, detest, or despise contact with a thing or a person. Love and hatred often stand opposed. Wisdom says, there is "a time to love and a time to hate" ( Eccl 3:8 ). In the biblical record, every being may express or experience hate.
The Bible says that God hates religiosity ( Isa 1:14 ; Amos 5:21 ), hypocrisy and lies ( Zec 8:17 ), wrongdoing ( Isa 61:8 ); divorce ( Mal 2:16 ), violence ( Mal 2:16 ), idolatrous practices ( Hosea 9:15 ), and the way the prophets are treated ( Jer 44:4 ). The theology underlying God's hatred rests upon two essential qualities of God: holiness and justice. As a divine being with standards, God hates anything that despises, detests, or disregards those standards. In return, people hate God ( Psalm 139:21-22 ). Humanity may choose to follow in God's path in hating anything that hates the Lord or his standards ( Psalm 139:22 ).

You Love them, but you don't like them

I have started listening to different speaks and in order to grow in deeper understanding I outline and share with who ever reads this.
Beth Moore Loving Difficult People Part 1

I don't like them people way, but I love them the God way. Have you ever had to love someone that God has called you to, but you really can't stand them.

7Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son^b into the world that we might live through him. 10This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

13We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 14And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. 16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 19We love because he first loved us. 20If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. 21And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother. 1John 4:7-21

God is Love. He love us first and so how can we hate our brothers.

Are we loving people well? The wicked heart that have allowed to last far to long.

1But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them. 2 Tim 3:1-5

What we have in the end. What kind of person do you want to be? Where do we grow our bonds with people.

My thoughts about this subject:

I could never love anyone perfectly and often I come up way short of what the Lord has asked me. Have you ever thought about why you were given ears, eyes, and a mouth. Not to cut people down, but to encourage, to listen to the hurting, and look for those in need. Sin entered into the world a long time ago, but if we really know Jesus would our hearts and thoughts be what they are today.

Yesterday I found myself asking myself and only myself do I love God the way I want other people to love God. Do I put Him where I should in order to raise the bar for someone to put God where he should be. On my knees I went. Love God love people was my status on facebook the other day. People liked it and commented on it and the first thing I said is why do they like it, they are not loving at all.

Judged them didn't I. Show them you beatcha. To love people the way God loves them and no the way you like cheese or rabbits is life changing. Its a start of a movement. Love changes people's lives, it changed mine and it could change someone that you don't really care fors life.

He uses the Broken and Sinful.

Behold you have admonished many, And you have strengthened weak hands Job 4: 3


But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 1 Cor 1:27


For to be sure, He was crucified in weakness, yet He lives by God's power. Likewise, we are weak in Him, yet by God's power we will live with Him to serve you. 2 Cor 13:4


Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. Ps 6:2


Like a piece of clay or warm wax the Lord is molding me whether I want to be or not. If you didn't know or haven't learned this about me yet I will just tell you I hate change. Where do I have control in change? Change is something that is unknown to me or anyone else until it happens and that freaks me out just a little. Even though I am still sharp on some edges and broken on other the Lord has began to stir my heart and create a woman of God who is taking a stand for Jesus. This blog may be a little bold as you continue to read so its ok if you stop now in order to spare yourself some stirring up because after I heard and saw this in my life I could no longer sit still. This is a call of action, a call to repent and a call to step it up as a Christ follower. 


I will be the first person to say I fail at this 7 out of the 10 times but in my eyes there was 3 times I may of moved forward and its 3 more than people who have done nothing have obtained. Christ follower! The verb in that is follower, when Jesus was on the earth this is what the disciples did, they followed Jesus and did work. My question is if the original followers, followed why in the heck are we sitting like rocks doing nothing to further the Kingdom? Why is it that every week we go to church and most of take notes even to never apply it to daily life. I believe the bible says that we were given a spirit not of fear  but of courage to proclaim what is true. We need to get a move on it. There can be a major change in today's college world if we took the word of God serious and stopped looking at other people to make the first move. We cannot rely on the actions of love we show and the kind Christian heart we have inside. Non-Christians are nice people too so we must speak up in order for people to know the one true God. 


Think about it this way. Who told you about Jesus Christ? What if they were to of chickened out or changed their mind cause they had better things to do. Some would say eventually you would be saved, others would say your off to Hell because that seed was never planted, so no one watered it and you are left to suffer. I did mention Hell right. IT not some make believe underground jail that you will go to if you die and don't know Jesus as Lord. Hell is a very real and scary place that all people were headed to until someone spoke the truth to you. How much do you have to hate someone not to share with them the truth of what you believe. 


Everyone is a sinner, whether you are saved or have no clue who Jesus is, the difference is that if you know Jesus as Lord you should hate sin and not want to do the things you once did. There will be a change in your life once you become a Christian and this starts with repentance. Repentance is true turning from sin and dying to yourself to live a life that will bring glory and honor to the Father. If you are not sure if you have had this time in your life talk to someone about it. There is no shame in being sure or asking for help. It would be a sad day if you go to the throne and the Lord said be gone I never knew you. Christians you need to work on your self and pray for God to show you the things in each you need to repent for. I know these things seem like "big sins" but all are seen equal to God. If you are addicted to porn, stealing, lying, having sex, cussing, drinking, breaking the laws of the land, gossiping, being envious, or hating someone they are all sin and need to be addressed before you get on a high horse. 


Christian we need to stop saying one thing and doing another! One of the main reasons people hate the church is they see people at church on Sunday teaching Sunday School classes, speaking out about sin or on the alter praying and when they walk out of church you could tell them for the lost. This is a major problem. Jesus says you know not the day nor the hour in which He will return and I am pretty sure you do not want to be seen doing some of the thing you are doing. If it is a struggle for you gather some friends up and ask them to pray and hold you accountable to your sins in order to get them in check. Biggest thing to ask God to help you over come these sins in order to become a good witness. I will be the first one to say I have hurt my witness in the past by doing things I should not be doing or by acting in a way that brought no glory to God. Our purpose on this earth is to know God and make Him known. You wouldn't advertise for Nike wearing a Adidas is awesome shirt so why advertise for Jesus when you hands are dirty and you forehead reads nothing but sin? These things should bother you I believe if your trying to share Christ and you or a Christian friend is making it hard by their actions or words.


We sweat the small stuff way to often. If it doesn't bring the Lord glory, why are we wasting our time on it? Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the Glory of Christ Jesus. Like I said I am far from perfect and I am just as sinful as you are because in Jesus' eyes it is all seen equal. I would just like to call college aged Christians foremost and everyone else to take a stand on sin and the world for the one that saved you from hell.