I Don't Know Anymore!?!?!

I have had my mask on for so long that this past week I finally was able to pull it off, but I no longer knew the face under it.

For years I would smile a fake smile that said everything was fine yet I was hurting so much. My parent got a divorce and the father that I loved so much disappeared never to be seen again. Many other things happened during these times in my life and I felt shame and wanted to cry but I felt like I need to be strong. When I moved to Florida I thought it would be amazing and it was really hard. I lost all of my friends and had to find new ones. I fell in love with a boy who could never love me the way I needed and ended up braking my heart. I drank and did drugs to be able to keep the mask of everything is when I was dying inside. My grandmother died the year I graduated high school and I blamed myself for being selfish and not saying goodbye. I never cried because I felt like I needed to be strong. I adopted this I don't care attitude and soon I left for college. I missed my mom and sister but I was to afraid to say I was scared to move 12 hours away and didn't want to fail them so I stayed far away at college and tried not to talk to them in order to get over it. I drank a lot more and found friends that were into the same thing. Soon those activities couldn't help me keep the mask on so I had to look for the next step. Trying to kill myself seemed to be the only answer I thought there was to solve these problems but that didn't work out either. I came to know the Lord through a friend I meet. My name is Sara and I love the Lord ran through my head over and over again. Months later I still thought about her love for the Lord we became great friends and started hanging out. I saw something different in her and I wanted it. I gave my life to the Lord and put a new mask on.

My new mask wasn't the normal mask of smiles and drinking but a mask of everything is perfect cause I have the Lord. I struggle with this still. I have the mask off but don't know how to act. I can't smile anymore and say everything is great because I no longer want to lie. The truth is I'm hurting, I am scared and I don't know how to give everything up to the Lord. Thank God He never said it was going to be easy because it def isn't but His promises say that he is with me always and will not leave my side. I don't want to be the Debby downer in the positive Polly world nor fake Polly when I'm feeling Debby. I want to be honest with people. I don't understand love, trust or change. Change is something I feat most because I have no control of that. I need to have control to feel safe but lately the Lord has chosen to show me that I am in control of nothing.

I have been completely silent before the Lord because I don't know where to start or how to fix all of this mess. I know that the Lord know exactly what it is that is holding me back and will continue to hold me until I am the women He wants me to be.

I know the Lord is telling me to go home after graduation in the spring and I really am afraid and so I hope that the Lord will break me down and gather me back up in order to show my family who the creator is and what He can do alot with someone who has no good in them. I need to learn to put God first because it doesn't matter how much time you spend doing good things if He is not first and your counting on something else.

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40: 28-31

So here are some of the things I am working on and struggling with at the same time:

1. Being positive even in negative situations

I need you to tell me if I am being negative in a loving way

2. Dealing with personal issues

3. Spending time with the Lord in order to understand who I am in Him seeing I don't have a face right now

I need some people to check up on me and ask me how my time in the word is going and ask about what I am learning

4. being honest

I know many of you can tell if I am being honest so if I say I'm fine but don't look like it call me out

5. Loving people how Christ would but no allowing people to walk all over me

6. Being ok that I am not in control

7. Accepting change and understanding I cant do it on my own

So now that I was honest and got a lot out I'm done updating for right now but will write sometime this week about my plan of action for working on these things.