Now I pour out my heart in hopes it may just bring me peace and just may give someone a little encouragement. As tears blur my vision and I begin to think of all the hurts and all the things I can't let go and I hear a warm whisper in my ear that says "Hey there Jen... Umm just so you know I have I finished this battle and I won so please my sweet daughter trust me with all of this." Oh the lover of my soul, the one that gives me each and every breath has already gone through all of this for me and came out on top so I lay these things down and I may have to do it over and over again but its ok.
This is going that be the honest truth so if your going to judge me don't read anymore.
1. Dad you left when I was young and at this point I have no clue where you are but I have felt unwanted and unloved by you since you were gone. I fear being hurt like that again so I have a problem trusting guys and listening to male authority. Most of all dad I want you to know I forgive you for leaving me because I found a heavenly Father that will love me more than you ever could. Dad if you ever want to be apart of my life again all you have to do is call or email me and I would answer sooner or later. I pray for you sometimes in hopes that the Lord would change your heart. In all of this being said I lay down the hurt of my dad leaving me.
2. Mom from the day dad left and every day after it I felt you blamed me for everything that happened there. I never got the attention I wanted from you and I was pretty sure you didn't love me. I have always been fear to let you down so I did a lot of things to make you proud, but it never worked. I would give you the world if I could and some days I feel like you would ask for more. I did a lot of not so great things because I felt like I needed to prove something but what I found out through it is I can't be your savior and I cant live to please you. I am still working on forgiving you but I do love you with all of my heart. I would do anything in my power to protect you but I do feel like you need to fall to be on your own two feet. I hope you find the Lord some day cause He will change your life and you will find true happiness in that. This I lay down knowing that Christ can heal the brokenness of my heart and draw you to Him.
3. Kim and Marvin I have always been jealous of you both, the way you guys look, the attention you got, relationships you had and the way mom loved you both. I am really sad you messed up the beautiful life that you both had going for you by getting caught up in drugs, drinking and sex. You think each time there going to make things better but the hurt you feel, the sadness you have and the pain will not get better with these things being your everything. There is someone who can heal you His name is Jesus. Hangout with Him and get to know my savior don't be proud of me because everything I have done is through Him. Lord I trust you with my brother and sister and I lift my hands whatever way you must deal with them I ask you will if it saves them.
4. I never mourned the lost of my mom-mom and every once in awhile I just ask why. She was the only person that ever truly loved me with a 100% of herself and I didn't even get to say goodbye. I don't think she knew the Lord and I didn't know Him yet so never shared with her. She was the only person who I knew cared and she was taken from me. I lay down the hurt of her death.
5. Money problems. I give them to you Lord I can't say I have always done the wise thing with my money but right now I am really struggling and I want so badly to trust that you will provide but I am afraid. I lay down this stress to you.
I lay down all the times I drank and did really stupid things and everything else I can not bear to write in my blog but I give them up to you Lord and in the next minutes or hours or days I have to give them up again I will do that because I trust you with my life. You are my lover and friend. My father and provider and I know you will work all things out for my good.
Jen be still and know that I am.
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