Hey there Jen...... Umm just so you know.

Now I pour out my heart in hopes it may just bring me peace and just may give someone a little encouragement. As tears blur my vision and  I begin to think of all the hurts and all the things I can't let go and I hear a warm whisper in my ear that says "Hey there Jen... Umm just so you know I have I finished this battle and I won so please my sweet daughter trust me with all of this." Oh the lover of my soul, the one that gives me each and every breath has already gone through all of this for me and came out on top so I lay these things down and I may have to do it over and over again but its ok.

This is going that be the honest truth so if your going to judge me don't read anymore.
1. Dad you left when I was young and at this point I have no clue where you are but I have felt unwanted and unloved by you since you were gone. I fear being hurt like that again so I have a problem trusting guys and listening to male authority. Most of all dad I want you to know I forgive you for leaving me because I found a heavenly Father that will love me more than you ever could. Dad if you ever want to be apart of my life again all you have to do is call or email me and I would answer sooner or later. I pray for you sometimes in hopes that the Lord would change your heart. In all of this being said I lay down the hurt of my dad leaving me.
2. Mom from the day dad left and every day after it I felt you blamed me for everything that happened there. I never got the attention I wanted from you and I was pretty sure you didn't love me. I have always been fear to let you down so I did a lot of things to make you proud, but it never worked. I would give you the world if I could and some days I feel like you would ask for more. I did a lot of not so great things because I felt like I needed to prove something but what I found out through it is I can't be your savior and I cant live to please you. I am still working on forgiving you but I do love you with all of my heart. I would do anything in my power to protect you but I do feel like you need to fall to be on your own two feet. I hope you find the Lord some day cause He will change your life and you will find true happiness in that. This I lay down knowing that Christ can heal the brokenness of my heart and draw you to Him.
3. Kim and Marvin I have always been jealous of  you both, the way you guys look, the attention you got, relationships you had and the way mom loved you both. I am really sad you messed up the beautiful life that you both had going for you by getting caught up in drugs, drinking and sex. You think each time there going to make things better but the hurt you feel, the sadness you have and the pain will not get better with these things being your everything. There is someone who can heal you His name is Jesus. Hangout with Him and get to know my savior don't be proud of me because everything I have done is through Him. Lord I trust you with my brother and sister and I lift my hands whatever way you must deal with them I ask you will if it saves them.
4. I never mourned the lost of my mom-mom and every once in awhile I just ask why. She was the only person that ever truly loved me with a 100% of herself and I didn't even get to say goodbye. I don't think she knew the Lord and I didn't know Him yet so never shared with her. She was the only person who I knew cared and she was taken from me. I lay down the hurt of her death.
5. Money problems. I give them to you Lord I can't say I have always done the wise thing with my money but right now I am really struggling and I want so badly to trust that you will provide but I am afraid. I lay down this stress to you.

I lay down all the times I drank and did really stupid things and everything else I can not bear to write in my blog but I give them up to you Lord and in the next minutes or hours or days I have to give them up again I will do that because I trust you with my life.  You are my lover and friend. My father and provider and I know you will work all things out for my good.


Jen be still and know that I am. 

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Faith is believing the unseen and Trusting the promise.

My fist are clenched and my heart is beating fast and all I can think about is how mad I am. I want to bust out in tears, scream its not fair and disappear when a friend looks at me; saying the longer you focus on the burdens the longer they will hurt.  UGHhh I wanted to bust out with every excuse in the world to say well I can act this way and its fine because things suck right now. And I know she is right and I think about how I haven't given my hurts up to the Lord because I am afraid that He will not fix them the way I want them to be fixed. I want justice the way I see it to be just and I know its wrong. Selfish is what it is... The lack of trust, the pride of being in control, the self centered thoughts of its all about me. I am sorry my dear friends if I have complained to you about life lately, made you feel uncomfortable or just made a good day an ok one because of my attitude who am I to tell the God of the universe He is to small to deal with my problems. SHAME on Me.

So after this chat if the Lord didn't want to encourage me I have no idea what He was doing because I read a message from a friend on facebook which made me go read my past blog post. Slap SLAP. Did I forget all of those things, no but I choose to push truth to the side in order to have a pit party.

Pit Party- enjoying the pit and having so much fun complaining about it that you forget that Jesus is the way out. 


I never thought I would be worth anything and I always asked God if he loved me so much why would He ever make me go through these things and the truth is for His glory. I can give everything good in my life to the simple answer only God and for His glory. Keep your heads up for its only but a season that we have troubles because the joy is in the morning. It is said that no one could ever pull us away from God but we also are called to live pure and blameless lives. March 18th, 2010


So without relying on the Lord this is where I have gotten........ No where, two step forward ten steps back. A running leap to bounce off the wall back to the same spot. My eyes fixed on the worldly prize instead of heavens gates. Where is the glory for the father in that? I feel as of now the Lord has taken me out of the place where I feel like everything is going to be ok again to stick me in panic mode not so I will hurt but so I will say Lord I need you. LORD I NEED you More and More and MORE. Today, tomorrow and everyday after that. So Jen what are you going to do with that? August 21st, 2011


The Lord said tonight through friends Jen you dumby I already taught you this months ago and you forgot. I am here you just have to call on me. I will always be here for you and your problems are just as important as the next persons and you need not rely on others but on me. Bring it to the cross not to the people I have given to love you and to be blessing to you. Keep being filled by my word and pour in to others and they pour in to you. Love people before yourself and hey everything will be ok with time.