The Beating:

The beating in my chest and the mess that I am, I try to make it sound better than I really am. I really confused and I am not sure where I am going or what the Lord wants but faithful I trust Him and walk in the foot steps hoping the lead to the path that is everlasting. Faithfully I breathe each breath knowing there is a purpose behind it knowing not what it is and may very well never know.

Its almost as though my heart and mind are in two different places. My heart being with Christ, but my mind off in the world wanting life to be easy and planned so I could be sure that I do nothing wrong or in my own timing. Faithful He is to bring me to a new place each day, not sure about the next minute, but confident that His direction will be clear.

I am a mess. I am a mess that is stress, but honestly I am truly blessed to have a God that care about me so much that He knitted me in my mothers womb. He knew my trails I would go thought and the troubles I would bring on myself because of disbelief and sinfulness. Never to question is there a God, but to question myself to why I am not following Him and running as fast I can to Communion with Him.

Its scary to be in the world alone and its a good thing that we were not molded and left. but the sweet savior Jesus came and was an example of life. Have you ever really thought about how Jesus while on the cross was totally without God and called out Fatherrrrrr and there was no answer. If there was an answer Jesus would not of stuffed what we will go through if not a follower. With our name written on His chest and on His hands He was layed to rest. Jesus was dead crush for each and everyone of our sins. Jesus paid the ransom in full and said it is finished.

The 3rd day he rose. He got up and walked, and showed Him self to a women to first spread the good news. Rejoice oh fools the Lord has raise and will live again. Beating hearts can here this plea and do nothing.

It's a New Season.... I call it Empty Bag

I don't know if everyone can feel when a new season is starting or it's just me, but the Lord is so good. Crazy events, tears and the Lord's mercy pulled my full bag right off my back and emptied it in order for me to continue to go on. I tried to peel my mask off on my own and well it was just a different form of the same girl hiding behind new friends, crazy ideas and pain. The burden was heavy and even the though Lord said his yoke was easy I choose to carry all this stuff around because "I could do it on my own, NOT."

As I talked to many wise people I look up to I shared something that was in the bag and slowly people saw that I was carrying a bunch of things that I needed to lay down at the cross. For the longest time I refused to lay it at the cross mostly because I am screwed up. I don't function on even paths, I'm am not use to having a God I can count on and people that love me no matter what I do. I am not use to mercy and grace. Understanding hearts were a rare thing to come across and people who lived their lives according to what the Gospel teaches. I would have to ask the Lord for boldness, for His love to reign down on me that I may be able to come clean and drop my bag at the foot of the cross. Because He already knew every issue I was hold on to no matter how embarrassed and ashamed I was of everything. Perfect is not obtainable and it leads to let down and unrealistic thoughts.

I am in no way saying that I dropped that bag off to never return to it. Of course being the person I am I ran back to it an hour later and asked for a few things back because I don't know how to walk with an empty bag and a spirit filled heart. Shot the day I walk with no bag at all is the day I show up at the gates.

If you are struggling with these types of things all I can say is find someone that is a great encourager that lays things at the cross each day and will refuse to talk to you about them until you bring them to God. I am famous for asking people for advice before I  ask the Lord to give me direction and ask Him for an answer before seeking the world. Without someone to hold you accountable you will not be able to do it on your own. At least I know I can not do it. Be first accountable to the Lord and then to a person that will tell you the truth and you can trust them with anything.

What a great view of God to have an empty bag because the Lord is faithful and will remove all of that so you can run after Him with full force once again. I knew this was starting and the other day when I woke up at 6am to pray and to seek His face I sent my last part of my application for school next year and my heart rejoiced in the fact that the Lord was driving me through it all. I was so afraid and as I prayed over the envelope and asked the Lord to take me where I needed to go I was no longer scared I had a peace that I was in His will. Even if I don't get into school I know that I took a step lead by Him.

My heart has been at rest because for once I was able to be honest with the one person that I looked to for approval and I knew I no longer needed it and I could do anything with the Lord on my side. Anything can happen, but there is no reason to fear the unknown because all I need to do is trust that the Lord is with me all the way in every way. I will walk in His foot steps and I will not be alone.

I will fail at this and there will be days when I want to quit everything and the Lord already knows when those days will come and understands. Praise God He did not say this life was easy, but this world is not our home and I have heaven at the end of this long hard path. He is my anchor of truth and He loves me even when I refuse to tell him whats on my heart.

Of course I sit some night and cry my eyes out because I want things to be easy. We were told to pick up our cross and follow Him and that is all we can do. I rather be jacked up and bruised and beaten at the end and appear at the gate hardly stand and to be fully restore than to run in a prefect body and know I did not for the kingdom. There will be disappointment in this new season and all I know is that if everything I have in this life is taken away the Lord will still be there to be my rock.

Fall on your knees and fall in love with the savior. You are worth it because Christ says you are.

This is my heart and the truth about what I struggle with if you want to ever talk or want more details please contact me. Thanks :)