Hey there Jen...... Umm just so you know.

Now I pour out my heart in hopes it may just bring me peace and just may give someone a little encouragement. As tears blur my vision and  I begin to think of all the hurts and all the things I can't let go and I hear a warm whisper in my ear that says "Hey there Jen... Umm just so you know I have I finished this battle and I won so please my sweet daughter trust me with all of this." Oh the lover of my soul, the one that gives me each and every breath has already gone through all of this for me and came out on top so I lay these things down and I may have to do it over and over again but its ok.

This is going that be the honest truth so if your going to judge me don't read anymore.
1. Dad you left when I was young and at this point I have no clue where you are but I have felt unwanted and unloved by you since you were gone. I fear being hurt like that again so I have a problem trusting guys and listening to male authority. Most of all dad I want you to know I forgive you for leaving me because I found a heavenly Father that will love me more than you ever could. Dad if you ever want to be apart of my life again all you have to do is call or email me and I would answer sooner or later. I pray for you sometimes in hopes that the Lord would change your heart. In all of this being said I lay down the hurt of my dad leaving me.
2. Mom from the day dad left and every day after it I felt you blamed me for everything that happened there. I never got the attention I wanted from you and I was pretty sure you didn't love me. I have always been fear to let you down so I did a lot of things to make you proud, but it never worked. I would give you the world if I could and some days I feel like you would ask for more. I did a lot of not so great things because I felt like I needed to prove something but what I found out through it is I can't be your savior and I cant live to please you. I am still working on forgiving you but I do love you with all of my heart. I would do anything in my power to protect you but I do feel like you need to fall to be on your own two feet. I hope you find the Lord some day cause He will change your life and you will find true happiness in that. This I lay down knowing that Christ can heal the brokenness of my heart and draw you to Him.
3. Kim and Marvin I have always been jealous of  you both, the way you guys look, the attention you got, relationships you had and the way mom loved you both. I am really sad you messed up the beautiful life that you both had going for you by getting caught up in drugs, drinking and sex. You think each time there going to make things better but the hurt you feel, the sadness you have and the pain will not get better with these things being your everything. There is someone who can heal you His name is Jesus. Hangout with Him and get to know my savior don't be proud of me because everything I have done is through Him. Lord I trust you with my brother and sister and I lift my hands whatever way you must deal with them I ask you will if it saves them.
4. I never mourned the lost of my mom-mom and every once in awhile I just ask why. She was the only person that ever truly loved me with a 100% of herself and I didn't even get to say goodbye. I don't think she knew the Lord and I didn't know Him yet so never shared with her. She was the only person who I knew cared and she was taken from me. I lay down the hurt of her death.
5. Money problems. I give them to you Lord I can't say I have always done the wise thing with my money but right now I am really struggling and I want so badly to trust that you will provide but I am afraid. I lay down this stress to you.

I lay down all the times I drank and did really stupid things and everything else I can not bear to write in my blog but I give them up to you Lord and in the next minutes or hours or days I have to give them up again I will do that because I trust you with my life.  You are my lover and friend. My father and provider and I know you will work all things out for my good.


Jen be still and know that I am. 

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Faith is believing the unseen and Trusting the promise.

My fist are clenched and my heart is beating fast and all I can think about is how mad I am. I want to bust out in tears, scream its not fair and disappear when a friend looks at me; saying the longer you focus on the burdens the longer they will hurt.  UGHhh I wanted to bust out with every excuse in the world to say well I can act this way and its fine because things suck right now. And I know she is right and I think about how I haven't given my hurts up to the Lord because I am afraid that He will not fix them the way I want them to be fixed. I want justice the way I see it to be just and I know its wrong. Selfish is what it is... The lack of trust, the pride of being in control, the self centered thoughts of its all about me. I am sorry my dear friends if I have complained to you about life lately, made you feel uncomfortable or just made a good day an ok one because of my attitude who am I to tell the God of the universe He is to small to deal with my problems. SHAME on Me.

So after this chat if the Lord didn't want to encourage me I have no idea what He was doing because I read a message from a friend on facebook which made me go read my past blog post. Slap SLAP. Did I forget all of those things, no but I choose to push truth to the side in order to have a pit party.

Pit Party- enjoying the pit and having so much fun complaining about it that you forget that Jesus is the way out. 


I never thought I would be worth anything and I always asked God if he loved me so much why would He ever make me go through these things and the truth is for His glory. I can give everything good in my life to the simple answer only God and for His glory. Keep your heads up for its only but a season that we have troubles because the joy is in the morning. It is said that no one could ever pull us away from God but we also are called to live pure and blameless lives. March 18th, 2010


So without relying on the Lord this is where I have gotten........ No where, two step forward ten steps back. A running leap to bounce off the wall back to the same spot. My eyes fixed on the worldly prize instead of heavens gates. Where is the glory for the father in that? I feel as of now the Lord has taken me out of the place where I feel like everything is going to be ok again to stick me in panic mode not so I will hurt but so I will say Lord I need you. LORD I NEED you More and More and MORE. Today, tomorrow and everyday after that. So Jen what are you going to do with that? August 21st, 2011


The Lord said tonight through friends Jen you dumby I already taught you this months ago and you forgot. I am here you just have to call on me. I will always be here for you and your problems are just as important as the next persons and you need not rely on others but on me. Bring it to the cross not to the people I have given to love you and to be blessing to you. Keep being filled by my word and pour in to others and they pour in to you. Love people before yourself and hey everything will be ok with time. 

Learning and Sharing

Love is patient.

Patient-enduring trying circumstances with even temper, tolerant, understanding

Love is Kind.

Kind- indulgent, considerate, not harmful

Love does not Envy.

Envy- feeling of grudging or somewhat admiring discontent aroused by the possessions, achievements, or qualities of another

Love does not boast. Is not proud.

Boast/ proud- to speak of with excessive pride or vanity.

Love does not dishonor others.

Dishonor- never gives a reason for regret, disgracefully, indecently

Love is not self-seeking.

This is not natural because love is passionate but it is not about your feelings.

Beautiful Focus

Beautiful Focus!

Reach deep, deep, deep down in that heart of yours and you find that there is just a small, tiny, little piece that you cannot seem to grab, but you know it's there. That tiny, mini, small, bit that you cannot touch is the part that some days you don't know is there, but the Lord does. With the process of pulling back the mask slowly has the Lord crept in to touch that small piece that I have been holding on to. The Lord has been revealing the inner most hurts, shame, pain and letting me deal with it one day at a time. As He brings each issue to the light I hear a light whisper that says "My daughter I am with you always and I will be your leaning post when you feel you can no longer stand."

Praising in the storms and the battles of this life has been the hardest, but greatest struggle of all. Rejoice in the Lord always again I say Rejoice. I didn't know this until recently, but you may not have a smile on your face and still be joyful at heart. Its a hard battle to be willing to let the Lord change you because when doing it on your on you never have to worry about the little pieces you don't remember you have tucked away to deal with on another. The Lord deals with those pieces first and even if you can see the molding taking place when the Lord works He works hard.

Over these weeks that the Lord has really been picking these issues up and making me deal with them because finally I asked Him to I have seen alot. I am a selfish person, but aren't we all. I do tons of "good things"  though my heart isn't always in the game but my eyes are look in the crowd waiting for them to cheer me on.  I have been able to love people in a new light not for any reason but because I should love them. My gift of encouragement has been shine brightly because it is not longer me trying so hard to do it on my own.

Things have not been easy, but the Lord has provided some awesome friend who stuck by even on my crazy days. The other day the Lord blesses me with time to sit and chat with a wise friend of mine and she shared something that very much has changed my life. Ex 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

On those days that you are spent and you have nothing left to pour out and give it is ok to just sit and be still. The Lord has already fought and won the battle and goes before us in each and every struggle. We have not lost we just did not win in the way we thought it should have gone. Praise be to God who knows all things, see all things and takes care of everything under the heavens.

Praise Be to God!

Can I just say that looking at life different begins to make you think different and spending time in the Word makes you feel different and believing that the Lord has the BEST for you is the difference.

My day was really good today, making small steps to grow closer to the face the Lord wants me to have. For the first time in a long time I didn't need my mask I was just Jen Sims and even though I don't know who she is fully but I rested in Him today and it changed the way I looked at everything.

I woke up in the morning feeling super rested.
I got in the Word just case Satan was testing.
Suck in all that truth and got some coffee
By the time I got to campus I was feeling pretty happy.
The weather was nice I got to praise God
I went to all my classes and didn't skip a beat
The silly girl did take my seat
But it didn't matter because the Lords on my side
I'm feelin alright without a pimped out ride

haha . Still trying to figure out how to keep this up. Any ideas?

I Don't Know Anymore!?!?!

I have had my mask on for so long that this past week I finally was able to pull it off, but I no longer knew the face under it.

For years I would smile a fake smile that said everything was fine yet I was hurting so much. My parent got a divorce and the father that I loved so much disappeared never to be seen again. Many other things happened during these times in my life and I felt shame and wanted to cry but I felt like I need to be strong. When I moved to Florida I thought it would be amazing and it was really hard. I lost all of my friends and had to find new ones. I fell in love with a boy who could never love me the way I needed and ended up braking my heart. I drank and did drugs to be able to keep the mask of everything is when I was dying inside. My grandmother died the year I graduated high school and I blamed myself for being selfish and not saying goodbye. I never cried because I felt like I needed to be strong. I adopted this I don't care attitude and soon I left for college. I missed my mom and sister but I was to afraid to say I was scared to move 12 hours away and didn't want to fail them so I stayed far away at college and tried not to talk to them in order to get over it. I drank a lot more and found friends that were into the same thing. Soon those activities couldn't help me keep the mask on so I had to look for the next step. Trying to kill myself seemed to be the only answer I thought there was to solve these problems but that didn't work out either. I came to know the Lord through a friend I meet. My name is Sara and I love the Lord ran through my head over and over again. Months later I still thought about her love for the Lord we became great friends and started hanging out. I saw something different in her and I wanted it. I gave my life to the Lord and put a new mask on.

My new mask wasn't the normal mask of smiles and drinking but a mask of everything is perfect cause I have the Lord. I struggle with this still. I have the mask off but don't know how to act. I can't smile anymore and say everything is great because I no longer want to lie. The truth is I'm hurting, I am scared and I don't know how to give everything up to the Lord. Thank God He never said it was going to be easy because it def isn't but His promises say that he is with me always and will not leave my side. I don't want to be the Debby downer in the positive Polly world nor fake Polly when I'm feeling Debby. I want to be honest with people. I don't understand love, trust or change. Change is something I feat most because I have no control of that. I need to have control to feel safe but lately the Lord has chosen to show me that I am in control of nothing.

I have been completely silent before the Lord because I don't know where to start or how to fix all of this mess. I know that the Lord know exactly what it is that is holding me back and will continue to hold me until I am the women He wants me to be.

I know the Lord is telling me to go home after graduation in the spring and I really am afraid and so I hope that the Lord will break me down and gather me back up in order to show my family who the creator is and what He can do alot with someone who has no good in them. I need to learn to put God first because it doesn't matter how much time you spend doing good things if He is not first and your counting on something else.

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40: 28-31

So here are some of the things I am working on and struggling with at the same time:

1. Being positive even in negative situations

I need you to tell me if I am being negative in a loving way

2. Dealing with personal issues

3. Spending time with the Lord in order to understand who I am in Him seeing I don't have a face right now

I need some people to check up on me and ask me how my time in the word is going and ask about what I am learning

4. being honest

I know many of you can tell if I am being honest so if I say I'm fine but don't look like it call me out

5. Loving people how Christ would but no allowing people to walk all over me

6. Being ok that I am not in control

7. Accepting change and understanding I cant do it on my own

So now that I was honest and got a lot out I'm done updating for right now but will write sometime this week about my plan of action for working on these things.

Update..... Thoughs

Life is hard sometimes, at times it feels like a punch in face or a kick in the gut and even at worst a huge pit of crap that you can't climb out of. You never plan what will happen in the next minutes and especially the next days or week and you can't touch years from now. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TOMORROW WILL LOOK LIKE, WHERE I WILL BE IN A WEEK OR A MONTH AND DEF CAN'T TELL YOU WHERE I'LL BE AFTER GRADUATION THIS YEAR. I can tell you that I'm am scared to death yet really excited, I am fearful, but have a bliss feeling as well, I am confused yet have ideas and I am shocked yet happy to be moving on.

When life seems to be looking up and you start to take your eyes off of Him again you may begin to sink and I think that is where I am today. Sinking....

I could be daily sinking in His love, His safety, His kindness, His hand that will never let me go, but I looked away for just a second and I feel as though the Lord is trying to remind me that I need Him. I wish I would remember that every day when I wake up and roll out of bed... Lord I need you. I wish I could say at least I am thankful for my first morning breath but I complain that I have to get up and I don't appreciate all the Lord has done for me as I stumble to the bathroom to brush my teeth or take a shower. I wish I would remember that I need the Lord as I come in contact with each person I meet or when I go to a place I have never been before, but instead I say in my own strenght I can do this..... Lord I need you.

So without relying on the Lord this is where I have gotten........ No where, two step forward ten steps back. A running leap to bounce off the wall back to the same spot. My eyes fixed on the worldly prize instead of heavens gates. Where is the glory for the father in that? I feel as of now the Lord has taken me out of the place where I feel like everything is going to be ok again to stick me in panic mode not so I will hurt but so I will say Lord I need you. LORD I NEED you More and More and MORE. Today, tomorrow and everyday after that. So Jen what are you going to do with that?

I am running to my Fathers arms fast and in a hurry. PRAYING that the Lord be the only thing I depend on. All my troubles, all my hurts, all my hope and dreams will be talked about with the Lord. I want to be a women of God wakes up in the morning to spend time in the WORD and fall in love over and over again. I just need you Lord nothing else and no one else.

Email me if you want to know how to pray for me or have something you need prayer about.....
Jsims90@gmail.com